[Clipart] Why am I doing this?

chovynz chovynz at gmail.com
Thu Aug 5 14:47:51 PDT 2010

Why am I doing this? Why am I working on OCAL? Why am I pushing myself 
to learn things I am not inherently skilled in? Why am I continually 
jumping into code (which I hate, passionately) and making OCAL better 
(or trying to at least) for everyone involved? This faceless, person in 
the background. Who is he? Why is he here?

These questions keep popping up. In my struggle, I've faced myself, when 
I lose focus and when I lose the big picture. I've blamed others, 
instead of fixing things myself. I've waited instead of doing. And I 
keep asking myself, "Why"? in both good stretches and bad.

I think I've found an answer.

I teach because I want to learn. I am learning so I can teach. I am 
"Doing" background OCAL, because I want to learn some fantastic things 
from Jon Phillips and some of you other fantastic people (Like Nicu 
Buculei, and Gerald. G and J.Alves, Oleg, Johnny Olsen + others.)

What I have learned, is that I have limits. I have weakness. I don't 
like doing coding. I'd much rather grab a paintbrush or mouse.
I have learned that I can give something. Even if it is as simple as 
time. I used to think I couldn't give anything to OCAL.
I have learned to never give up. This statement by Winston Churchill, 
has been with me for a very long time, and I've lived to that, as best I 
But I found myself faced with; me - giving up. I was horrified! But then 
I learned that, I was expecting too much from others, and unrealistic 
goals from myself.
I learned that I can walk away, have a rest, and let other people do 
some work, and the world doesn't end.
I also learned that, hey, I can actually code - despite all my self-talk 
of "not able, hate it, can't do it, won't do it".
I've learned that, it's ok to be me. One day, I'll either shed this 
"chovynz" pseudonym or build on it and let you guys see the real me.

What I can teach is how to be patient with yourself.
I can teach, that time is more valuable than money, in this world of 
busy-ness. You still need money, but time has more value.

Find someone who is close to you and spend some time with them, doing 
nothing - together. See how long you can actually spend with them before 
you get fidgety. Might it be time to re-prioritise them back into your life?

A reflective moment by Chovynz

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